I think I’ve been tired for a very long time now.
It’s not the kind of tired that a night of rest can soothe nor is it the kind of tired that can be alleviated by eating a nourishing meal. It’s the kind of tired that sticks to you.
It’s the kind of tired that no matter what you do to shake it off, it’s still there.
I always tell the people I meet that I am perpetually tired and they rarely understand.
Being awake feels like a prison that I can never escape from. The only solace I have is in my sleep, the one time I can finally have a break from this cursed existence of mine.
When I tell people I want to hibernate, they think I’m trying to push them away or to isolate, and… maybe I am. Maybe a part of me thinks I’m better off alone and that by spending time or being around with people, I’m somehow ruining their lives.
It’s hard to convince myself that is not the case, even if people tell me they want to spend time or play games with me. I feel as if I am too much and that sometimes, people need a break. When I’ve decided it’s time to leave, nothing can stop me.
I’ve tried to think of plans and whatnot on how to handle this… side of me. I’ve even tried talking with people about it but I’ve never really figured it out. How do you drag someone back to a place they’ve convinced themselves is better without them?
And how do you form healthy relationships with people without it turning into them overly worrying about you? I don’t want people to look at me, as if I’m just one trigger away from completely going batshit insane on them. I don’t want to burden them.
Sometimes I do wonder if I need to re-learn boundaries, if I need to keep my private shit to myself instead of letting it spill everywhere. Some kind of… ground rules?
Maybe even restricting my online activity instead of full-on disappearing could help too. I could try and avoid being online early in the morning or late at night and take more frequent breaks. I remember I was doing an experiment some months back.
In the experiment, I blocked Discord during work hours and at night so that the only time it was unblocked was between 7pm and 9pm. I think I felt a bit more genuine in those hours and my interactions felt special, as if people were happy I was there.
Though I may not do something as extreme as that case, I will have to think on it.
Somewhat related but not really, I don’t know what I want in terms of support. When I try to think about ways that people could help me, I am not sure what is effective. Sure, I love spending time doing activities. Watching shows together, gaming, etc.
But at the same time, there are so many things I’ve been avoiding and that I keep avoiding and I am unsure if that is healthy for me. I know there are some big changes I need to make but I think at this time, I don’t want to think about any of them.
I think I just want to lay in my bed and sleep for a very long time.