relapsing again
just me feeling like sisyphus pushing that rock up a hill
Warning: This blog post will be very long and redundant so I’d advise you to skip.
For a few days there, I thought I was getting better. I thought I finally figured my shit out. I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted out of life and how to get it.
But today, I just feel so lost and so full of doubt and so full of pain.
And like… do I even deserve it?
After all the things I’ve been through, after everything that I’ve done and experienced… what right do I have to be happy? What right do I have to take up space in this world? What right do I have to exist, after all this time? Even if I let everyone in my life leave me, even if they all go, I still have to live with myself, the fact that I exist.
I can’t tell if I’m trying to convince myself that they’re better off without me or if I’m better off without them. Some moments, it feels as if I’m fighting my own brain, trying to fight my own feelings. Those are the days that I end up feeling the most drained.
Honestly, though, I regret meeting the people who care about me. I feel as if I’ve ruined their lives, giving them someone to care about who will just disappoint them. For their sake, I hope they’re able to forget I exist and just live their lives peacefully.
Every time I meet someone new nowadays, I don’t feel… anything. I fear I’m broken.
Everyone leaves, eventually. They all leave. Even if they claim they won’t leave, they are all liars and they will leave me. I’m too tired and too hurt and I don’t want to open my heart up to other people again. I don’t know why I keep trying, after all of this time.
Part of my suffering is my own fault. I spent the entire day in my room, rotting in my bed. I skipped meals. I barely drank any water. I spent too much time gaming.
Which brings me to my realization… I am a masochist and I cannot deny it any longer.
The very things that hurt me, the very things that would destroy me, I chase after.
And for what reason?
I… am not sure yet. There are still more layers to dig deeper and more to uncover about myself, and even though I have been learning a lot, there’s still more to learn. But I’m tired of learning about myself, I’m tired of uncovering uncomfortable truths.
What’s the point of healing if I’m just going to relapse again?
I will hopefully be seeing a doctor next month. Sadly, it’s taking longer than I liked because I had to argue with my insurance but I actually called them and made some big steps towards seeing a doctor again. I’m hoping medication might help me out.
I’m realizing more and more that I can’t just keep brute forcing my way through mental illness. I need actual serious medical help before I end up injuring myself or… worse.
Some days, I feel like I’m straight up losing my mind and it becomes hard to calm myself down. I also don’t have any good support systems either but I don’t know how to find one of those. I just have this blog and a private journal that I started to maintain.
Even just writing this blog post, though, is helping me calm myself down just a little.
I know a large part of my suffering is because I have trouble with how to forgive myself. I keep replaying past mistakes, the ways I messed up, and then I feel as if the only way to atone for my sins is to suffer, but when will the suffering ever end?
I am very tired and I don’t think constantly sleeping is a healthy outlet either.
More than anything, I just… I don’t know.
My mind was racing full of thoughts but now, as I write this, my brain goes empty. I don’t know where I was going with this train of thought but I guess I got lost again.
Maybe if I work hard and keep my distance from people… maybe if I try to stay away from my triggers… maybe if I kept more things to myself… maybe I would be sane?
Though, a part of me knows that won’t happen. As much as I try and stay away from people, I somehow find myself going back to them every single time. I know I should be alone. My very existence is toxic and poisonous to them and yet… I still get lonely.
My loneliness is a major issue, one that I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with. It took a lot of digging to uncover but that’s the root of my attention seeking behavior.
Loneliness.
Hi, I’m ??? and I want friends.
Huh, it feels strange to admit that when before, I would just act out and push people away. I wonder how many of my problems could’ve been avoided if I had more self-awareness at a younger age. Or if I had, like, an actual normal childhood, haha…
Even when people wanted to be my friend and told me so, I never believed them. I never felt worthy. And yet, they were still nice to me and still acted like my friend.
I don’t deserve them.
I used to be really weird about the word friend. I forgot what happened. I refused to call people my friend even if they were one because I was scared the very moment I called them my friend would be the moment I would lose them. So… I danced around the concept. I gatekept the label of friend and tried to use synonyms for them instead.
I guess it’s harder to know how to maintain a relationship with anyone when you refuse to label it, when you refuse to establish any boundaries or communicate at all. A lot of the people I’ve lost in my life, I’ve lost because I became too toxic for them.
I’m not very good at keeping my guts on the inside.
As soon as someone listens, all of my guts end up spilling out of me, all over the floor. And at first, I feel better and I feel seen but then the very act becomes… addictive?
I become a burden on people, basically, and I don’t know how to avoid that.
Maybe I really do need that medication because I learned recently that it is not my fault that I cannot regulate my emotions. It’s my brain chemistry and no amount of willpower or coping mechanisms or effort will suddenly make my brain balanced.
Routines do help when I can manage to keep up with it but I need more help.
The more I try to fight it, the more I try to convince myself that mental illness is something I can just overcome if I’m strong enough, the harder it becomes to cope and deal with things because then, to fail, is now seen as a personal failure on my part.
Oh, so you’re depressed? Well, have you just tried to be happy?
And, as you might expect, it just ends up making me feel even worse than before.
And when you’re too busy beating yourself up over feeling bad, you end up feeling worse and then you spiral and then next thing you know, you wish you were dead.
I wish I was dead.
I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that and to admit that is a big step, I guess. I was trying so hard to seem put together so people wouldn’t worry about me. That’s the cost of getting close to people, I guess. I start to feel guilty about my feelings, so I hide them.
And then when I hide my feelings, they build up and then they explode and I lash out.
I’m glad I have this blog where I can be open and honest and if no one wants to read this, they can just… not read it. People are welcome to close their tab or browser at any moment or to skip any of the venting blog posts if they just want to read fiction.
I tag all of my posts, accordingly, and I have a directory for a reason.
This is just who I am. I am a stress-prone anxiety-prone depressed adhd person who feels like a ghost more than half of the time. And… that is okay, I guess. Well, that is something that I am working on. Or at least something that I hope that I can work on.
And if that is too much for people, that is okay. I will wish them well as they leave.
It is okay if I am too much for people because I am broken and I am healing and I need the time and space to properly focus on myself anyways. I don’t need anyone else’s voice filling my head when I already have a hard time with hearing my own voice.
So maybe it is okay if I’m alone, as long as I frame it the right way.
Alone as a way to heal, not as a punishment for being a bad person.
I need to gain the confidence to live my life and make my own decisions without worrying that I will be hurting someone or worrying about what they might think. I know this is something that I’ve been saying a lot lately but it is really hard to do.
In a way, blogging is helping me find my voice again by writing these posts out.
My brain doesn’t process thoughts the way that other people do. I can’t just sit and ponder and keep things coherent. I don’t think in words. I think in feelings. And if I want to translate my thoughts into words, I need to externalize it by typing or writing.
I will be trying to rely on my private journal a lot more to see if physically writing things down has a stronger impact on my brain and my mindset as I try to overcome my negative mindset. And hopefully, if I do get medicated, it will get easier for me to heal.
I really do want this blog to become a lot more writing focused in the future and less about me rambling about my mental health. I understand that it can become repetitive and drive people away. I realized that when I sat down and read all of my old posts.
I also want to work on… talking to people less? Not in a frequency sort of way but in a content way. I want to keep more things to myself and not let my guts spill out. I need to keep conversations more focused and only talk about games and not myself.
I’ve noticed that in some conversations, if I talk about myself, I open myself up to rumination and then, mild moods become more extreme and I end up feeling worse.
So if I want to manage my emotions better, I need to step away and vanish without telling anyone. I need to not do my whole dramatic “leaving forever bye” and instead just… go offline and if people ask me why I’ve left for a few days, I will tell them this:
“I just needed some time to myself, that’s all.”
And that’s the end of that. People don’t need the whole story, most people don’t care. I… am not quite sure how to handle people who do care but I will pretend I don’t need to think about that. As far as I am concerned, there is no one that cares about me.
To think otherwise, at this moment, would basically shatter my worldview.
Anyways, please do not care about me. It is a waste of your time and energy.
That is a weird way to end this long ass blog post but I have quite literally emptied out my whole brain and there isn’t much more that I feel like I need to add at this time.
So… yeah…
I will be getting ready for bed now that I’ve calmed down and hopefully, I can sleep tonight without being haunted by the ghosts of my past. I will be upset if I can’t sleep.
I really do hope I can sleep tonight.