my lil' bleeding heart

if this is how i die, then so be it

I fear I will not survive this, these feelings of mine, this heart of mine.

All I can do is cry and grieve for what I’ve lost. Somehow, the universe has made it so that I’m going through a rough transitional period in basically every area of my life.

Everywhere I look, things are changing. Nothing will ever be the same again.

I feel sick to my stomach when I try and sit with my feelings, to try and process what I’m going through. A few days ago, I thought I was fine. I thought I figured out a routine that would work for me and be healthy for me and help me feel better.

But all it takes is one well-timed storm to destroy all the safeguards you’ve placed for yourself. I thought I had more time, I thought I would be ready, but you can never be ready for these feelings, even if you used an app to track exactly when it would hit.

I should be used to it by now, you’d think, yet every time, it rains fresh hell upon me.

I feel weak, ready to give up, ready to surrender myself here and now.

If this is how I die, then so be it.

I know, I know, I’m being dramatic yet again but this is the curse I was born with. The curse of having a sensitive soul. This is the price I pay for feeling things so deeply. The smallest thing can feel like the end of the world, if the conditions line up just right.

No matter how many times I try to think things over rationally, my brain won’t listen. It will create scenario upon scenario to torment me, to convince me that I’m toxic and that people are better off without me so it prevents me from seeking support.

And because of circumstances of my own making, maybe I truly am alone.

There’s a very good chance that the one person I truly loved and cared for will be gone from my life forever. I have to learn to sit with that fact because people like me rarely get another chance. We rarely get to fix our mistakes or get a happy ending.

I’m trying to be okay with that, I’m trying my best to let go, to let everything go.

In the end, maybe I’m destined to be alone. Maybe this is what everything has been building up to. Maybe this is the character growth I needed to realize I didn’t need anyone. I never needed anyone. It’s better to be alone because no one can hurt you.

Shit.

We’re uncovering deep secrets in this blog post, dear reader.

I think I’m realizing the reason I get the urge to vanish and disappear is because if I leave first, then people can’t leave me. My abandonment issues are starting to reveal themselves more and more these past two weeks, and everything is clear again.

That’s the thing about trauma. Whenever anything that remotely resembles the past happens, your brain loves to play fill in the blank, thinking that if it can recognize the pattern and alert you in time, you can prevent yourself from experiencing more trauma.

Even small things, things you would think are normally innocent, can trick the brain into seeing it as a threat and then the alarm systems go off, systems blaring…

As much as I love being open and expressing myself on this blog, I don’t want to dig into my past traumas. Some things are best left a secret, only to be told to those that I truly trust. I don’t want just any random person opening this blog to know everything.

Maybe it’s my fault all of this happened. Maybe it’s my fault for ignoring my feelings and my needs, to try and be the kind of person that people would like. I think trying to be someone I wasn’t destroyed who I was as a person, leaving me in an identity crisis.

I thought that I had to constantly prove myself to people or they would leave me. I thought if I was funny or entertaining enough, they would stay and keep me company. I thought that the moment I stopped trying, that’s the moment they’d leave me.

And to numb my uncomfortable feelings and keep them buried, I would shove stimulation down my throat, thinking if I was constantly distracted and unable to focus, I wouldn’t be able to feel anything. I doomscrolled, I gamed, I chatted.

It was only in the last two weeks where I started to limit my screen time did my personality finally reveal itself to me again, and I fear I will lose myself again.

These feelings, now that I can feel them fully, I remember why I tried to erase them. I remember being unable to handle the depths of my emotions, this bleeding heart of mine. I remember being scared of being alone, afraid of what I might do to myself.

Some days, I’m drowning and some days, I feel okay again.