I’m tired.
The truth is, I’ve been tired for a very long time now but I thought I could compartmentalize it. I thought that if I got better at scheduling rest periods, if I gave myself rules and structure, then maybe, just maybe, I would be less tired.
Except it’s not working.
I feel like a kid whose mom is shuffling them between school and extracurricular activities while also trying to balance hobbies and a social life. I feel like there’s too much on my plate. I feel like I’m trying so hard to live a life that most people view as conventionally healthy, to prove to them that I’m healing and that I can be healthy.
But increasingly, I need to be sad right now. I need to feel my feelings, no matter how messy they are. I need to sit with them and not judge them or rush them. I need to take my time. It’s not fair to the people I love and care about if I rush this process, if I turn around and deliver them a me who isn’t true to myself, a me who lacks their own voice.
I feel like all my life, I’ve been filling myself with the voices of other people and their expectations about how I should talk and behave that I’ve forgotten the one person whose opinion matters the most: my own. I’ve been neglecting myself again, but this time in a form more invisible to myself: the form of supposed self-improvement.
I keep looking at other people for guidance on how to heal when really, I should be looking within. No one can truly know what my situation is like without living in my shoes and I need to value my own opinion more if I want to have a voice again.
I think that about summarizes everything I wanted to say, for now. I do plan on taking this healing thing in a more personal/private manner so if you’re someone I talk to regularly, I may be around less for the next few months. I’m trying to be patient with myself and give myself as much time as I need with no pressure or expectations.
I hope this time, I’ve finally dug deep enough to address all the underlying issues. I just want to be able to sleep at night again without being tormented by overthinking or rumination or anxiety. I also want to enjoy my friendships/relationships with people without constantly worrying about them leaving me behind. I want people to be able to have fun with me too.
And most importantly...
I want to be a person again and not a ghost.