I realize that it’s been over a month since I last wrote a blog post for here. I had intended to try and write a short story to get some more fiction posted here but…
Well, to say the least, I’ve gotten a little distracted.
Okay, maybe very distracted, in fact.
There is someone in my life whose importance has grown significantly within a very short amount of time to the point where if I lost them now, I would be devastated. I’m not quite sure how to label these feelings quite yet but I do know I like them a lot.
And yet, despite the joy they bring into my life, there’s still the nagging sense of emptiness that lurks around the corner, just waiting for the moment I’m alone. It digs its claws into me, daring me to fight back even though I don’t have the energy to.
Some days, I’m okay, but other days, I’m breaking again.
Is this all there is to life? Will I be stuck going through the same cycles over and over again, unable to escape my darkest feelings as hard as I try to become better?
Self improvement sometimes feels like running on a treadmill. As much as you keep going, are you ever really going anywhere? Or are you just deluding yourself into thinking that you’re making progress just because your body is moving forward?
I don’t think I was made for this kind of lifestyle.
Most of my time and energy is spent on work or on preparing for work. Working forty hours a week is very tiring and by the time you come home on the weekdays, you barely want to do anything. The weekends are barely anything and pass in a blink.
The very things we do for fun, our so-called hobbies, sometimes feel like actual work. It feels like an actual struggle trying to balance all the things I want to do and it gets so bad that I get overwhelmed and end up spacing out or doomscrolling instead.
Once I start focusing on adding more of one thing to my life, I end up completely forgetting about everything else I wanted to do. It’s like I can only have one main hobby at a time. Either I’m bingewatching a show or reading or playing one game.
It makes me wonder how other people are able to juggle all of their hobbies and to actually finish things. I really struggle with finishing things, whether it means watching a show to completion or reading an entire book or finishing a game to its natural end.
And then there’s writing, the love of my life and the bane of my existence.
Writing for this blog in general has at least helped me to exercise my writing muscles but at the same time, sometimes writing feels like pulling teeth out and it feels like some impossible task to finish writing a chapter, let alone finishing even a short story.
Life overwhelms me and I feel tired beyond my years.
When can I finally sleep? When will all of this end?
I’ve been asking myself that question quite frequently recently. I… don’t think it’s a good thing. I think if people knew that I was feeling this way, they would be worried.
I fear that I am heading down a path of self-destruction, once again, one that may actually kill me if I keep going down this path. Due to certain circumstances in my life, it is becoming very difficult to manage my mood again and this may be the end for me.
Even breathing, something that should come as second nature, feels difficult at times.
I think I just need to let my brain rest for a while and take a step back from trying to do everything at once. As much as it pains me to admit it, I’m not able to do everything that other people are normally able to do. I’m more fragile and I require more rest.
I will have to take things slow and adjust plans as my moods begin to change. And knowing me and the kind of person I am, my moods will keep constantly changing.
Wish me luck, I suppose. (Trying to end this blog post on a lighter note, aha.)